Birthday Wishes

     Today is my youngest daughters 3rd birthday.  We never expected to have her; we'd tried for 7 years to have another.  We lost 8 babies during that time, most to early miscarriage.  The last one though, nearly ended my life and indeed ended our 13 week old baby's life.  I was told that I couldn't carry to term and to consider getting my tubes tied before the next pregnancy killed me.  It took me over a year to decide that yes, I was ok with not having another child.  My husband and I figured that God had a reason for not giving us the child we had wanted so badly and began to talk about the possibility of becoming foster parents.  About a week before my dr appointment to schedule the tubal ligation, I realized I was late.  That dr appointment became the appointment where I found out that indeed I was pregnant again.  It was not a happy day, we were terrified of losing another baby, my husband was afraid he was going to lose me.  I would not terminate the pregnancy to possibly save my life.  I could live with a miscarriage or hysterectomy but not abortion.  Though, I wasn't at all sure I could live through another loss like this.

     We lived in fear for the next two months; I took prednisone shots weekly and was not allowed to do much more than 30 min of standing at a time.  I cramped a lot and felt very sick all the time.  By 20 weeks we were very excited; it seemed that beyond all odds I would be able to carry this child to term.  The kids, my husband and my mom went to the ultrasound to find out if we would have a boy or girl.  It was a girl, but the tech was not acting happy.  I had a bad feeling; I'd seen that look before on the same techs face many times and knew what that meant.  My family was thrilled and my husband could not figure out why I wasn't until the call came later in the afternoon.   My Dr called to tell me that I was dilating and nearly completely effaced.  If they didn't do something, I would go into labor within the week and that the baby would not survive.  The next day, I went in for emergency surgery to stitch up my cervix.  The hope was with that and total bed rest, the baby would have a chance to grow enough to be viable outside the womb.

     For the next 84 days, I only got out of bed to pee or go to the dr.  Every time I went for my appointment he would say "If you can make it to 24 weeks",  "just make it to 28 weeks", "you hang on until 30 weeks" and we made it to 32 weeks.  I have never had to totally rely on anyone since adulthood but during the bed rest, I was at everyone's mercy.  I had to drink a gallon of water a day, endure nausea and headaches daily and try to keep my spirits up looking at the same four walls day after day. 

      Grace Abigale was born at 32 weeks, weighing 4.2lbs and spent 26 days in the NICU.  She received physical therapy for her first year and learned to nurse by 2 months old.  Grace is now 3 years old and to see her today, you'd never guess the struggle it was for us to bring her into the world and the struggle it was for her to thrive and grow.

     I believe that we can want something so badly that we hamper God's work in our lives.  I believe that I had to be happy with what He'd already given me to be able to appreciate anything more.  I know the 10 year struggle to have children was the hardest years of my life, but also some of the best as I raised another's children and my own.  I know that the pain and waiting is sometimes the best thing even on the darkest days.  The bed rest even taught me patience that I never possessed before.  I don't see these things when I look into Grace's big brown eyes anymore.  All I see is a beautiful, smart child, aptly named, she is the Grace God has given me.


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